A.K.U

my work is such a freakin mess. i have no idea what the fcuck im doing now but going down through the flow. it seems that i have lost my old me, the one who has always been optimistic about life & hardship, the joyful soul, the carefree spirit.
i have no idea what has gotten into me. i think i'm miserable and full of shit. why do i feel world is being unfair to me? Life has became harder and tough. Nights after nights are full of nightmare and sleepless.Money has been a fuckin great issue and i lost my momentum. it's sad to know you have no other places to let out. the closest one is getting far and ignorance. family seems unsupportive. i have no choice. i have no space to shout. am i destined to be all alone in my journey of life? sometimes i do envy the luckier ones. they have everything and joy around them. life has been kind to them regardless what sins they have commited or how bad their souls are.here i am, tiny little soul.not that i'm not being grateful for what i have - at least i still have car to bring me to work and clothes to wear - even though it has not been changed for quite sometimes. i still have some bread to eat even though there's no more fancy meal on my table. life is really hard now especially when you couldnt let out your shits to others. people don't care.you are just a pile of dirt.
this is not a blaming note - to those who think they are. this is just a self-shouting and sighing memo to remind myself. i wanna be the old me - happy, optimistic and full of spirit. but how could i have that back when life has no mercy to me? i want to lead a blessed life. i want to be loved by Allah swt. I want to have His Nur.Am i good enough to ask for this? too many sins have been comitted and i know this is the payback time. payback time at the most crucial time of my life. how i wish i am as lucky and blessed as others. how I wish Allah give me His blessing and NUR to me now. Is there still any chances for me to change and be a better Muslim? I hope I would have it before I die, which can be anytime and anywhere.. .
Astargfirullah...